A Brief Musing on Lost Love

'Tis better to have loved and lost, a jilted soul bemused,
Than to sip the burning, hopeless gall of love not once refused.
But that poor soul was a self-made addict to the hope of reborn love.
A fatal drug that dulls all sense of when too much is enough.
Sub-consciously they wait for love to bud from dying roots,
Acquiesced to blissful bitterness; unmindful of the truth.

Reality is real my friend, and things thought true are not.
Be not fooled by those who revel in love's ugly, severed knot.
Bitter is still bitter, though acquired taste for some.
And unlove is still better than the opposite of numb.
For broken hearts will never heal to their pre-enraptured state.
And sometimes heal to open wounds disguised by iron plates.

A New Chapter

This summer seems to me to have added several chapters to the story of my life. It has been a bit of a strange summer, but also a very good summer. I have enjoyed every part of it overall. There were some pretty stressful times and some things that were not as enjoyable, but overall, it was great.

Taiwan was a major chapter of my life. It definitely stands alone as its own chapter without question. It was a life-changing experience, and one that I do not believe I will soon forget. It had some intense moments of real-worldness, many moments of fun, and new acquaintances and friends that had a great influence on my life. For me, a visit to a place like Taiwan humbles a bit of my American prejudice and bias. It opened my eyes a little bit to how closed-minded I am at times. I began to see even better that in reality, all men are created equal. Everyone has a story to tell, something to contribute, something to teach me if I am willing to learn. It's a humbling and incredible realization.

Another chapter separate from Taiwan was my almost two weeks at home. It was a bit different than some previous trips home because my grandma was living with us and my oldest sister was gone. It was weird for my sister to be gone. I'm used to being the only one gone, and that was not the case this time. Then, my grandma is not doing very well physically and that is hard, too. It's even harder because I know it's hard on my parents. I greatly enjoyed being home. It was a good time, even though it, too, had stressful parts. It was hard to leave. It almost seemed harder than some times in the past. I think part of that was because I felt like I could be useful at home, and maybe part of it was because I haven't spent much time at home because I didn't go home at the beginning of summer like I usually do. The other reason that I think is probably a big part of it is that every time I leave home, I know that I am getting closer to it not being "home" so to speak. Oh, there'll always be a certain extent to which wherever Mom and Dad are is "home" I think, but I've pretty well moved out and home is becoming more and more where I am and not where they are. I don't like to think about it, but it's a part of growing up I guess. Just not part that I particularly like. Even though I don't mind being on my own, it's a bit of an insecure feeling. All is well, though.

The last chapter of my summer was traveling with one of the mixed trios from the school. It was overall a very enjoyable experience and brought back a lot of memories. They were a fun bunch to travel with and really let me feel a part of the group. I was a little nervous going into it because I was trying to fill the role of a sponsor, which I had never done in that fashion before, but the Lord helped them and me and the summer finished well I felt.

And now...tomorrow begins the next chapter of my life.... The chapter in which I am the Student Recruiter for Hobe Sound Bible College. I am excited, nervous...etc. I think it is going to be a good year. I am excited about that fact. I am nervous because I really want to do my job well and contribute much to the department. I don't just want to do my job; I want to make a difference. And that is not something happens very often by just doing the bare minimum. It takes hard work, dedication, and Spirit leadership. I want to be used. I sense that God wants me to be the change that I have desired to see. That is scary and exciting as well. I am hopeful for the future of the college if we will really let God have His way.

So tomorrow it begins. I appreciate the prayers of any who think of me. I am not enough on my own, but I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me. Amen.

These Times of Life

I still say it's a weird time of life. Call it my personality, call me strange...oe whatever else comes to mind, but life feels weird right now. I'm about to hit the road for a week and a half with one of the PR groups and it feels weird. I know what to do.... This what I did for three years, and it's somewhat what I've signed up to do again all year long. But it feels weird. I'm gonna go out there and have fun. I almost always do. And I'll see old friends and we'll have good times. But...going into it is interesting. And coming back to work here feels a little weird. I don't have any other brilliant plans, but I feel something. Probably the school year will start and the feelings will away. Maybe. Just keep pressing on. It usually works. It's dangerous to trust feelings too far.

It's almost time to go. Until later....

P.S.

I've now corrected the spelling/grammar errors in my last blog.... Writing on my phone takes some getting used to as it's all touch screen. Still no excuse for the amount of errors I had.... Ha! Fun times.

My Droid

So I got a Droid. I've kinda wanted a smartphone for awhile, but didn't want put up the money for one. I finally did, though. I wanted one for my job this next year. I figured I would need a phone with a good calendar on it, and I thought it would be nice to have internet because I probably won't have internet at home and it'll be nice to have something if I'm traveling. Anyway, all that to say that I got a Droid. I was actually planning on waiting until later in the year to get one after I have a more steady income, but Verizon was changing their data plans and I wanted to get in before they changed them too much. I figured I would be a pretty heavy user and I was right. Ha. I use a lot of data and I didn't really want to have to worry about going over my usage.

I got the Samsung Droid Charge. It's the best 4G phone Verizon has right now. That will soon change, but I really like this phone. I'm very much enjoying what it can do. It's way nicer than any phone I've ever had. I really enjoy having the data on it, too. I use it a lot. I think it's going to be well worth the cost.

Enough for now. I'm writing on the phone. It's pretty fast, but I still feel done. Haha. I recommend Samsung!!

A Prayer

Oh, purify the dross within.

Cleanse my heart from bent to sin.

Let my in-turned eyes turn out,

My ears be tuned to needy shout.

I see so much of me these days,

But more and more I want to pray

That I would disappear in You,

That mind and heart would be true through.

For people need me worse than me,

Yet need not I, but only He.

Begging love with loving eyes,

To love them back is my desire.

That nothing selfish, impure, unholy,

Would make the flow of love run slowly.

That I'd invest my too-few years

In more than just regretful tears.

A desperate feel grasps passing time;

A futile sense to even try.

But try I must, for even one

That finds the solace of the Son

Is worth all sorrowful sin refused

All hurtful, selfish pride that's bruised.

"I'm not my own!" This all my thought,

That with the blood of Christ I'm bought.

My mind consume with this staunch motto

That always, only will I follow

The One Who gave up all for me,

So I could give up all for He.

Christ, focus my passions truly, fully,

On a lofty aim that's holy.

Dissatisfy my heart with average;

Transform my world into Your image.

Then, may your world consume my world.

Your high and holy banner unfurled

Above a heart that you have claimed,

That solely bears your precious name.

Not marked by sin, or stain, or dross,

But only by the Saviour's Cross.

When Time Changes Things....

There was a day in my life not that long ago when I would have assured you that Taiwan would never be a part of my life.  It was so foreign….  So unlike anything that I've ever known.  It was place I had only heard of…almost a dreamland that seemed unreal.  It was a place that people I knew had been, but not somewhere I even wanted to go.  If you had asked me two years ago if I would ever spend an extended amount of time in Taiwan, my answer would have been no.  Well, let me rephrase that….  I would have said, "If God wants me to."  Or something along that line.  I had no plans whatsoever to ever do anything more than visit Taiwan, if that.

And now…I've been here.  I actually came.  Let me offer some contrasts.  I didn't know if I would like the food….  There is lots of good Chinese food, and American food is easily accessible.  Plus, I'm actually decently good at chopsticks. :)  And I love the philosophy they have about food: "Get it in your mouth!"  I can't understand the language.  This one is tough…because it's true.  But while Chinese is a hard language, I've already started picking up bits and pieces and understanding the foundational things that would allow me to learn the language.  Plus, a lot of people here speak at least enough English that I can usually get by. Another thing that would have made me think that I couldn't live here: the culture.  From my American perspective, the culture is so drastically different, especially having never been here.  But now that I have actually been here, I see beauty in the differences.  Are there things that would bug me about it, or be hard for me?  Yes…naturally, but there's things that bug me about American culture.  It's a part of life.  The culture here has an intense, mystical beauty that has been well-refined by thousands of years that passed long before U.S. culture even began to develop.  There is a respect for people and a professionalism that is seriously attractive.  It is something that is missing in our hustling, bustling, self-absorbed American culture.

There are some real differences; some of them would be hard to adjust to, but the people here, especially a group of kids at Chi-Ming's school, have stolen my heart.  And when I got to tell them about my Superhero, Jesus, it made me want to stay even more.  I only got to share a little bit.  I only got five days with that class…and in five days, we connected.  I hate the fact that I'm leaving them.  The teaching stresses me out because of the preparation…but I love being a part of their lives.  They are so eager to learn.  They are so appreciative and polite.  They are so respectful and helpful.  They are so easy to love….

I have only two days left in this country.  I will miss it.  The feeling that I would never want to spend time here is gone.  I could be wrong, but I think there will always be a place in my heart for Taiwan.  I hope that someday in the not-too-distant future, I will be able to come back and be a part of it again.  I don't even want to think about the fact that I'm leaving.  I'm excited to go home; I'm ready to go home, but going home means leaving people I have come to love here.

Taiwan, I will miss you.  People of Taiwan, I will miss you more.  Thank you for an amazing experience.  You have changed my life and have taught me far more than I taught you.  Perhaps someday, if God wills it, I will come back…for more than just a month….